


Houseplants

by fireflyslove



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, Plants, ficus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:54:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25890160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireflyslove/pseuds/fireflyslove
Summary: Anna's boyfriend is a holographic alien ficus.Or: Parks and Rec crackfic
Relationships: OC/OC
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	Houseplants

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jynladyofstardust](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jynladyofstardust/gifts).



> I had a weird dream, @jynladyofstardust said some words, and here we are, half an hour later with some weird ass fic. That's all. 
> 
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY HERE'S SOME CRACK.

Anna pushed her glasses up off her face and onto her head, heedless of the tangles it would create in her hair. It was only 2:30, and she already felt like death. Was it too soon to drink another coffee?

She pinched the bridge of her nose, then glared at the spreadsheet on the computer screen. Logging municipal keys was  _ not _ her idea of a good time, but it had to be done. (She didn’t know why  _ she  _ had to do it, there were dozens of interns in this building, but whatever, she got paid by the minute). A coffee suddenly materialized on her desk, and she glanced up at the person who had delivered it. 

Her boyfriend, Elwood, was standing just at the side of her desk. 

“God, you’re the best,” she said.

“I know!” he said with a beatific smile, and wiggled his fingers at her as he continued out of the office. He worked on the second floor.

She drank her coffee slowly, and it was just the way she liked it. (Three creams, two sugars) He really was the best. 

Sooner than she expected, it was 5pm, and Anna was ready to go home. She logged off her computer, stood, and shrugged into her jacket. The rest of the office was in a similar state of getting ready to leave, and she walked out to her car with her friend Greg. 

On the way down the hallway to the stairs, he made another one of his hopeless attempts at flirting with her, and she just rolled her eyes. Suddenly, he was on his hands and knees.

“Damn!” he said. “Where did that plant come from? Thing just jumped out and tripped me!”

“Oh, you know that’s the travelling ficus,” Anna said, offering a hand to help him up. “The raccoons move it at night.” She trailed a finger along its leaves as she said this, silently thanking the terracotta pot for tripping Greg up, literally. 

The plant moved in the draft from the heater.

It was winter, and dark by the time they got out to the parking lot. The Parks department was up to their usual shenanigans, but Anna ignored them. She drove home, made dinner, and settled into her couch with a blanket and a bowl of ice cream. At 7, her phone rang, with Elwood’s picture shining. She picked it up with a smile.

“Good evening!” she said. “How was your day?”

“Oh, you know,” Elwood said. “Same old.”

“Tell me about it,” Anna said. “How many keys does one midsized town need, anyway?”

“Thousands,” Elwood said.

“Oh, I believe you,” Anna said. 

-

It was Valentine’s Day, and there was some hullabaloo about a new park opening, but Anna only had her mind on the date that Elwood had promised her. She was meeting him by the bloodiest mural in the building, and then from there it was a surprise. 

Running late on Valentine’s Day was just classic, and she hurriedly stuffed her things in her purse, wrapped her scarf around her neck, and rushed out of the office. Elwood was already sitting on the bench, and he stood when she approached. He reached out to fix her scarf, and suddenly… he flickered. 

Anna took a step back, and Elwood flickered again. It was almost like she was looking at a ghost, but instead of being completely transparent, there on the bench was… the travelling ficus? 

“Elwood, what the hell?” she said, backing up again.

“Anna,” he said, and his image solidified. “Please don’t be afraid…”

“I’m not afraid,” she said. “I’m confused.” 

“We shouldn’t talk here,” he said. “Let’s go to your car…”

The walk out to her car was filled with tense silence, and as soon as the doors were shut, she turned to look at him. The human image was gone, and instead the travelling ficus in its (his?) terracotta pot was sitting in her passenger seat, wearing a seatbelt. 

“Anna,” Elwood’s voice said, coming from the general direction of the ficus. “I owe you an explanation.”

“Uh,” Anna said. 

“I’m a ficus,” he said. “There’s no way around it, I’m a ficus.”

“And you’re… talking to me?” 

“I’m not a ficus from Earth,” Elwood said, and somehow the ficus shrugged. 

“You’re an alien ficus. My boyfriend is an alien ficus.” 

“Yes,” Elwood said. 

“That’s a lot to take in,” Anna said.

“I never meant for you to find out this way,” Elwood said. “I was going to tell you… eventually…”

“Why did you look human?” 

“Hologram. It failed just now. I forgot to charge it last night.”

“You tripped Greg,” Anna said. 

“Greg’s a dick,” the ficus said.

“Greg  _ is _ a dick,” Anna said, laughing. Elwood had always thought Greg was a dick. And then, suddenly, her world tilted just a little to the left. So what, Elwood was an alien ficus. She still loved him. “So, where are we having dinner?” she asked. 

Elwood’s human holographic form turned back on. “You’re ok with this?” he asked. 

Anna shrugged. “I’ve seen some weird shit on the internet. Were you faking the rest of it?”

“No,” Elwood said. “I was sent here to study the way humans interact with each other, to see if you were ready for first contact, and falling in love with you was just a bonus.”

“Well then, you’re a ficus,” she said. “I can’t change you, so I’m gonna love you just the way you are.” 

“JJ’s,” he said. “And then a walk in the park.” 

-

The waffles at JJ’s were understandably legendary, and Anna ate more than she ever had in her life. She was bursting with questions, but couldn’t ask any of them in public. After dinner, Elwood directed her to a secluded part of Ramsett Park, and the snow began to drift softly down. 

They walked hand in hand (hand in leaf?), until Elwood stopped. Anna looked at him questioningly, but his face was suddenly gone. She glanced down, and he was on one knee, a box in his hand. And then his facade was gone, and his true form was somehow in the same position, holding a box with a delicate ring in it. 

“Anna,” he said. “I love you, would you do me the incredible honor of being my wife?” 

Anna didn’t hesitate. “Yes!” she said, practically squealing. And his leaves bent forward, placing the ring on her finger. 

She titled it toward the street light. It was a leaf-green emerald set in a delicate vine-like band. 

“Elwood, I love you,” she said. And then hugged him. Being hugged by a ficus was an interesting experience, but it still felt like Elwood. Somehow, she knew that her fiance being an alien plant was not the weirdest thing that could happen in her life. 

(Listen, Anna’s read some weird shit on the internet and has a warped sense of what is and isnt’ weird.)

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me anywhere a fic us @fireflyslove.


End file.
